Piled Higher and Deeper. It's true what they say.

This post has nothing to do with boys.

It's 9:22AM and I am dreading going back there.
The only thing that really gets me going back are the people.
Fortunately I don't have to worry about tensions with coworkers.
That's the one upside.

Imagine going to a place where you have to fight to keep your head above water.
Where you try and try and try and still fail.
Where the only way out is to keep on trying.
Where the thing you're trying to accomplish isn't even all that exciting or interesting.
Where even IF you were to one day succeed you would never think that it was all worth it.
I feel like the mythological guy who has to keep pushing a boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down on him as soon as he gets close.

How important is it really to finish getting this damn Ph.D.? Really the only reasons I stick with it is because I don't have a well formulated Plan B. Once I leave there's no turning back. If I go on without it I'm afraid I'll discover I really needed it. I fear limiting myself. Then again in some ways I'm limiting myself by proceeding with it.

Even if I do finish it, I don't think my thesis will be particularly good. I'm afraid of facing all my friends, colleagues, and committee in my thesis defense and having them all talk behind my back about how I don't really deserve it (they do it to others, I don't feel I'm immune). I know I've worked at it, have had bad luck, and don't want to be a scientist anyway. That doesn't make it all better. I'd lie if I said I didn't care. It's an awful feeling to put years of your life towards something to have it not respected by anyone, not even yourself. To have it feel like it's for nothing (or at least not 6-7 years of ones life worth). I'm so incredibly tired of trying to figure out what I want to do next with or without the Ph.D. I hate being 30 and having such little direction.

And now I have to somehow find the motivation to go back there and do it another day.